TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have another place exactly where American Gentlemen can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide Everybody a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable energy," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he must end applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort wherever my PTSD may have transform-down service."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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